Things have continued to decline. Emily still has no one to call a friend at school. I couldn't get her to school on Tuesday or Wednesday this week.
On Tuesday, she admitted to me that she was now hearing voices. They shout her name and tell her they're coming to get her. Her headaches and sickness have also started to get much worse. I began to wonder if she was getting migraines.
A call to CAMHS yesterday gave me the information that they think all these problems are an escalation of her anxiety symptoms. They promised to call me today to tell me when our next appointment would be.
When, by late afternoon, I'd had no call, I rang and chased up the appointment. Everyone has been very kind at CAHMS, which meant todays return phone call came as a bit of shock. What I can only describe as an annoyed woman called me asking me what the problem was. She ask me questions which showed she hadn't even opened Emily's file. Basic stuff like what were school doing about the bullying? Erm, she's not at the same school anymore.... In the end, I pretty much had to tell her why she was ringing me. I was supposed to be getting an appointment. She continued to be very sharp, saying they didn't know whose 'case load' Emily would be on yet. I'm sorry, she's not a case, she's a little girl who's dying inside a little more each day. She made it sound like I was forcing her to give us an appointment. I was only going on what I'd been told, that there was going to be an appointment allocated. Stupid, thoughtless woman. She begrudgingly offered us an appointment next week, tell me it would be yet another assessment. I'm dreading it, with an attitude like that what hope have we got?
How many times does this poor child have to be 'assessed' before someone helps us????
Tonight when I came home from work, Emily asked if she could tell me something. She'd been hiding the fact that she'd started cutting herself. Small stuff without much impact, but cutting all the same. She'd also tried to burn herself with a match while Nannan popped to the local shop. It's obvious that we now can not risk leaving her alone for even a short time.
She told me that there are so many voices in her head, she doesn't know if they are hers or not. She says they are telling her to hurt herself, telling her to kill herself. She also told me she'd been close to running away. But still, she doesn't know if its her telling herself or if its the voice of another. I watched her clutching at her head, sobbing and screaming and I was thinking, should I take her to hospital again? What am I supposed to do?? Should I bloody video it so I can send it the nasty woman who thinks my daughter is just another case.
I need them to help us, I can't do this on my own. Normally I would be crying, but tonight I am calm resignation. I feels like I will have to do this by myself. I try, I counsel her, I question her thoughts and do my own crude version of CBT, I hold her and I try and keep her safe. But how long can I do it? She's getting worse, we're not even treading water.