About Me

Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Fighting my Demons

I've had wine and moved on to neat rum this evening. I should have been going out with my work colleagues tonight, but I didn't.

I've over drunk and over eaten over such a prolonged period that my stomach is, not only huge, but now physically hurts.  This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't getting married in a little over two months.  It's unlikely the dress will fit unless I really get my backside into some other gear.  At the moment any gear will be an improvement.

Today was my day off work. This morning I had to almost bully Emily into going to school.  We had the usual 'end of bed' conversation.  Her crying and me firmly stating that school was the best place.  And it is, but every day it gets harder to convince her.

After the school run I had to go to the wedding venue and sort out the arrangements, this is something that has been sadly neglected.  I threw a load of times and activities onto paper last night in the hope of making sense of them today.  I need to trade in my car and had a visit to the garage this afternoon to view the replacement.  In between times I was conscious that the boiler engineer was due, thanks to the combi freely dispensing water all over my utility room floor yesterday morning.

Good old Mum staying in my house to wait for Mr Boiler Man. Dad decided I needed some company to view the new car ( I don't, but its his way of offering me support)  They are both in their 70's and are worried sick about me and Emily.  What would we do without them?

The wedding planning went well, the boiler got fixed and the car was fab.  My spirits were definitely up.  Then Emily came home.  She needed me, she was crying.  As the evening wore on all the positive energy in me evaporated.  Replaced by tears.  I found myself almost resenting Emily.  It wasn't fair, I was actually excited about the car and the wedding and she'd slashed right through it all.  I couldn't look at her, my tears were resigned.

My partner has gone off to bed.  He was falling asleep on the sofa.  I was honest and asked him to go while I wrote this entry.  Today I'm ashamed of writing this.  I want to hide it.  I know Emily can't help the way she is and I do understand, really I do, and I love her.  But on days like today, that love and understanding is just not enough to stop me screaming on the inside

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