Emily sat on my bed this morning telling me the sickness today wasn't like the normal one. Usually she felt sick, but knew she wasn't going to be. Today she was really having to hold it back. She said she felt dizzy and couldn't see properly either. Maybe a bug, perhaps a migraine? Whatever it was she wasn't going to make school. She seemed genuinely disappointed about not being able to go. In view of this I didn't feel so bad leaving her home with Nannan while I caught the bus for work.
By mid morning I received the first suspect Live Profile message. Emily told me she'd "wanted to do the thing she'd promised you I'd never do. So I found a cat to cuddle instead"
The promise relates to me pleading with her not to cut herself. I told her I didn't like the fact that she hurt herself, but I tried to understand. I asked her to promise she wouldn't cut herself as I wouldn't be able to cope with that. I cried when I said it. She promised.
Still, seeing that she'd thought about it upset me. I phoned her and she seemed to be ok. I sent a text to my Mum asking for her to keep an eye on Emily, especially if she disappeared to her room. I didn't want to tell Mum what my concerns were, but it appears Emily told her herself later in the day.
Home from work I was struck by her pale appearance and empty eyes. She'd been with Nannan to the GP for a repeat of her anti sickness pills. As usual the visit had left her angry and upset at the lack of understanding of someone who was supposed to help.
Clinging on to me she repeated, "its too hard, I can't do it anymore" She talked about wanting to step out in front of cars, that she'd been so close to doing it. But she pulled her foot back and I was quick to point that out.
I'm very tired, I long for her to be in bed, so I can open yet another bottle of wine and lose myself in chocolate.
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.