Time moves on

Wow I'm looking at the date I last blogged.  I do feel like I neglected a child, not to mention those kind people who commented on our journey.  I'm sorry.

I've been thinking about this blog a lot recently and wondering if I would ever share it with Emily.  She is doing so well and I am incredibly proud of all her achievments.  Eventually as the months passed she found enough confidence for a few school friendships and things definitely improved after that.  Some people had ridiculed her for her honesty about the problems she faced and continues to face.  Finally she found friends who recognised that she should be admired for her determination and caring, honest nature.

There was a time when I didn't recognise the child in front of me.  She was not my Emily, her illness tore away the confidence, the truthfulness and the strong bond we had once had.  It could easily have taken her life.

Imagine how I feel now.  I am the mother of a daughter who has made me prouder than I ever thought possible.  She will alway have her illness but, with medication, therapy, support and her own will to succeed, she has pulled herself up, fought through all the crap and emerged at the other end.

Currently undertaking the GSCE's I thought may never be taken, she is focused on what she needs to do and where she wants to be.  Emily has worked constantly to catch up on the studies she missed through the years in the wilderness.  I've never needed to coax her, she has been driven and she has been high acheiving.

Neither Emily or myself are cured.  We both still take our meds each day, we cry on each other on bad days or weeks.  There are days I wish I wasn't here.  Emily even now still sees people that others do not.  This has recently been diagnosed as part of her anxiety disorder.  She is keenly working through CBT to find ways to work through such situations.

The reason I started this blog was so we could see our journey and so could others who might be facing similar circumstances could look in too.

Our journey will continue, but I hope the bumpiest part of the road is in the past.  If you are reading this, thinking things will never change, they can.  Remember to get help if you need it.  To travel this road you need others to steady you when you fall.  You need the tools to make each day a tiny bit better.  You need love and kind words and friendship.  Most of all you need to know you are worth it but you need to fight.

To Emily, if you ever do read this.  I love you.  I am so proud of you there really are no words to express it properly.  If my posts were ever negative or self obsessed I am sorry, this was my outlet.

I am thankful every day I look at you Emily, that you are my daughter and that we are closer now than ever before.  You will take the lessons learned at a too young age and you will use them well, supporting not only yourself, but those around you.

Emily, my daughter, my best friend.

New school year

Emily has made enormous steps forward.  From the start of the new term she has been back full time.  There have been ups and downs, but I remind myself that all teens have these regardless.  In a few short weeks her confidence has grown.  She will now speak in class, join in discussions and has put her name forward to be an anti bullying ambassador.  She is showing a high standard of work again and is receiving good marks.  I am so very proud of her and I think she is of herself.

For me, life goes on.  I am currently supporting an 18 year old at work who has comlex mental health problems.  When others don't know how to handle mental illness, they turn to me and I can not let them down.  This, however, does impact on my own wellbeing.

Its my own fault,  I have taken on too much.  Work, my family, supporting others in need and now by joining the committee for a charity I hold dear to my heart.  I sit doing work from home and all around me there is overdue housework screaming at me.

My lack of wellbeing has been most acute these last few days, and during these times I find it hard to talk.  This morning I wrote a little ditty and thought it summed things up.

The pain I feel is deep inside,
locked away and trying to hide
The sad thing is there's no escape
from the demons with carnage in their wake 

Today i'll struggle, tommorow too
You don't see it's hidden from view
The exhaustion of facing each new day,
makes me want to slip away 

Over dramatic this may sound,
but my sanity can not be found
I do not want to feel this way,
despite what people often say 

The fight goes on, for now at least
Be quiet you multi headed beast
My children still need their mother,
for them there can be no other 

I can only hope the day will come,
when you'll find me laughing in the sun
Until that day the fight goes on,
pretending to all, the monster is gone
  

Fingers crossed

When I look back I see a long road. It twists and turns with mountains and deep ravines. Some trials we could see on the horizon, others were thrown in our path just in front of us.

Many, many times the obstacles have looked so huge it seemed they would forever be in our way. Sometimes they have come one after the other so quickly, we hardly had time to catch our breath. It has been exhausting. At times Emily and I have hated each other. Two people hurting deeply, not always able to help the other but despite this we found our way. We learned to say sorry, we learned when to talk and when to stay silent, when to laugh and when to be serious. But most of all we learnt about each other.

So here we are. We have climbed, we have bridged and we have blasted our way through. Each obstacle overcome took strength, determination and courage.

We are now close to the top of one such mountain.  Emily will do her first full week at school next week to prepare for the next term. She is excited and frightened, just like a normal teenager.  But Emily will always be far from a normal teenager.

Yesterday she found a diary she wrote during her darkest times. She laughed about how ridiculous some of her comments were. She can not understand being in that place now. A blessing maybe, for I can remember everything.

We have travelled far, but there is still a way to go, but if we ever need proof of our ability to succeed, well, here it is.

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Life goes on

It seems an age since I last wrote.  You may think that my lack of blogging is down to life being on the up.  It isn't.  I have been despondent really, I am fighting my way through every day.  I have little strength left.  Emily has done so well, she is now attending mainstream school 3 mornings per week.  This is a huge acheivement and I am very proud of her.

Despite these acheivements there are always set backs and my inner demons gnaw at me.  Sometimes the responsibility of going to work, running a home and being mum to 2 teenagers is more than I can bear.  There is no downtime, no off switch, no time off.  The kids seem to need me constantly and there is always a part of me that dreads this.  I do not have a magic wand, I can not fix the world around them.

I did at least speak to Emily's father.  I actually told him things face to face.  I had to, I needed him to take some responsibility and I also needed to stop hiding and stop resenting.  There is enough poison in my head without him in there too.

He does at least help with the midday school runs when I'm at work. We will always be poles apart and our roles very different but at least we can be civil again.

Very often I wonder if I would still be here if I had never had children.  They are the only reason I am still dragging myself through this pitiful excuse for a life.  I feel like I should be punished for wanting to give my life away when there are those out there who are ill and are fighting tooth and nail to hold on to their last breath.  Those who have gone through terrible situations and hardship.  I have faced none of that, pathetic really.

But for now what else can I do?  Life goes on and so must I.

Time to listen?

Emily still has her down days, but I feel these are finally beginning to reduce.  She has managed to detach herself from the Unit and is slowly starting to build confidence in 'normal' life.  Her school visits are still limited to 1 lesson a day on 3 separate days, so there is a long way to go and a lot of catching up to do, but it is progress.

I have been proud to see how she has begun to do things outside her comfort zone (our house).  In the last couple of weeks she's been shopping with my Mum, visited the nearby shopping centre with a friend and showed prospective adopters around on her own at the cat sanctuary where we volunteer.

These may seem like small things, but not to us.  These are real achievements.  In meetings with school she has now stopped mumbling and looking at the carpet and instead makes eye contact and is able to put her point of view across.

This is not the end of the road, but the ground seems to be levelling a little.  I now need to learn more about dyslexia and different ways of learning.  There is a lot of catching up to do if she is to stand a chance at GCSE's, but I know she is a bright girl and even if she has to do some exams at college later, she will get there in the end.

Recently she opened a teenager account with HSBC and we have agreed a clothing allowance.  With an allowance and a debit card and is learning the value of things and how to budget.  This is something else that is helping her to feel in control of her own life.  I'd recommend it for every teen.

And me? Too many downs and not enough ups.  Work has been terribly stressful.  I've got to the point where I have been doing 12 hour days rather than the 7 hour days I should do.  This has been a real problem and has been dragging me down. Whilst I only work 3 days a week, my other days are also frantic.  When I'm not rushing around taking Emily to one of her lessons or appointments, I'm having to fit in meetings and general stuff like shopping and house work.  My cats are a great love of mine, but they too create work for me.  It very often feels that I am on an never ending treadmill. I'm sure everyone can relate to this.  .    Adding in my issues around my weight and at times I've wanted to give up.

It's easy to get caught up in your own problems, but just recently someone gave me a wake up call.  Through Twitter I received a direct message.  A woman of a similar age to me, who I have only ever exchanged 'tweets' with and do not know in the 'real' world, reached out.  I do not want to go into her story here, it's not mine to tell, but I think she really needed someone to hear her.

I used my own experiences to help me try and understand. We have continued to message each other and through her, I realised that sometimes, when someone really needs you, a strength will take over.  We can all try to make a difference to others.  Those of us who understand what it is like to live part of our lives in darkness, in fear, in hopelessness, can help those who are there right now.  Readers of my blog have done this for me, not only just by reading what I write, but by commenting too.  Some of the supportive comments I have received have really helped and I cherish them.

Its made me want to turn my Twitter posts into something more.  I want to try and make people think, to realise that they too can make a difference to others.  We all stumble at times, when you are strong, help those who aren't.

Maybe 'Time to talk'  should be 'Time to listen'

What if you don't want to talk?

I feel compelled to write, as it's been a couple of weeks since my last post.  But to be honest I really don't know what I want to say. 

Do I talk about the two sessions I've had with a counsellor? Given the waiting list for this, in my first session I found myself struggling to recall why I had been referred.  Which aspect of my upside down life was I there to talk through and was it still relevant? The second session I threw caution to the wind and dragged us back over 20 years.  I sobbed as I recalled a 20 year old girl settling for the adulterous older man thrown out by his wife, because she felt she must "do the honourable thing".  The honourable thing lasted about 12 years.

And where is this man now?  The father of my children?  Cosy in his home, where he does not have to consider a sick child in his daily or even weekly routine.  Am I bitter?  You're damn right I am.

Do I have a moan about my lack of self control over the things I put in my mouth, which are allowing my ample frame to ever increase? The chocolate, the alcohol, anything that might give me a moment of pleasure, anything that might make me feel something other than dead inside.

Do I tell you that Emily will be leaving the unit at the end of the month?  Should I explain how she will start to build up her return to school by adding 1 lesson extra each week, but on different days?  I understand why it is being done this way, but all I can think about is how I facilitate this and still get time to go to work.

Maybe I should tell you that the closer we get to her discharge, the more anxious Emily becomes and the more I worry.  Every time she leans on me I feel the weight is too much to bear.

Shall I explain how I want to shut myself away or that I crave sunshine on my face? I want to get drunk and dance, I want to set off on a journey, I want to do many things, none of them here.  I want to forget all this crap and give my open sores a chance to scab over before the next onslaught.

There is a big mental health campaign at the moment, "Time to talk"  What if you don't want to talk?

How far?

Today I sat in a shopping centre crying. The reason for the tears was not sadness but pain, pain in my heart, pain caused by memories tugging at me .

Emily had asked me to take her for school stationery supplies and inbetween shopping we'd stopped for lunch.  As we chatted she asked me if I thought she had made progress with her illness.

I said 'yes, of course' straight away, but then her words sent me back in time. My mind began to dig deeper into my memories.

Sat across from her I looked into her eyes and said, "You have no idea how far you have come.  When I think back it scares me" and it did, really scared me to the point that I could not stop the tears from forming.  Once formed they began to overflow and make their way down my cheeks.  I sensed people noticing me, but I really and honestly didn't care.  Emily reached across the table and took my hand, saying sorry for upsetting me.

I told her it was ok.  It has been a roller-coaster of a journey and we are not at the end.  A year ago we were in a terrible place and, whilst things are far from perfect, they are at least better.

Emily looked at me as though she couldn't comprehend.  She still considered herself to be ill.  I suppose she is, but from where we were, we have come so far.

She looked almost puzzled.  I told her that I had written a diary and that one day  I would share it with her.  Then she would truly see how far she had come.

Thanks for all the snow

I'm sat in a supermarket car park at 8.45am. I've just dropped Emily and her brother at school. Today is the first day that Emily will attend form. She's then going to one lesson and then I'm taking her back to the unit.
School have, against normal policy, agreed to move Emily from her old form into her brothers. It means she has him for support and she also knows a few others from her junior school.  Even so, this morning she was showing classic anxiety symptoms.

When the form change was first suggested I spoke to my son. He was ok about it and understood. Yesterday and this morning, however, he has been a typical stroppy sibling. A pound each for sweets hopefully has smoothed, or maybe bribed the way.

Earlier this week, we woke up to a good few inches of snow. I didn't fancy going far in the car. My son walked to the school bus,  (which didn't come, unsurprisingly) grumbling all the way I should imagine.
The big story however came from Emily. She said she'd go by tram on her own to the unit. Not only would this be a complete first, going solo since her illness, but she would also be on with school kids from her old school.

I checked and double checked. She was adamant.

Her journey was slow and there were constant texts between us, but she made it.  I told her I was so proud of her and that she should be really proud of herself.
Not only was it a huge achievement at the time, but it has become a resource she can continue to collect dividends from.

As the tears and shakes started in the car park this morning I reminded her of that tram trip and that this was nothing in comparison. She nodded.

As I watched them walk of to school together, something, at times, I thought would never happen again, a voice in my head said "thanks for all the snow"

A very long week

It's turning into a very long week and it's only Tuesday.  My husband set off in the early hours of Monday morning ,through the snow, to get a train to London.  He's there all week on a training course.  To begin with I was quite looking forward to having a few nights to myself and not have anyone snoring next to me in bed.  The reality has been much less rosy.

Yesterday, due to the weather, I ended up working from home, school was shut and so was Emily's unit. We managed, I did a reasonable amount of work considering,  not enough to fulfil my deadlines but then what's new?

During the evening, I could hear Emily pulling down the loft ladder.  A short time later she came into the living room with a baby doll in her arms.  She talked to it, cuddled it and, to be honest, I was a little taken aback.  More recently Emily has been desperate to turn her bedroom into a teenage pad dolls were, at her request, put into the loft some time ago.  Now there are baby dolls in a large wooden cot.

Emily clung to me saying that she wanted the doll to be real, she wanted to be a Mum so that she had someone to love and take care of.  I could understand that in some way.  I tried not to make anything out of it. 

This evening she has told me that she worries that the doll is no longer alive.  When I talked to her about this, she accepts that the doll is just that, a doll and has never been alive.  Then she tells me that 'they' are taking the doll away from her, and making it into something bad.  She can not explain to me who they are.

I've suggested that she is perhaps anxious about her next school visit tomorrow.  I'm beginning to worry again that she won't get through the hour.  It's like she regressing.  I am really starting to panic that she's never going to get an education.  Just thinking that brings tears to my eyes.  This isn't fair, she's so clever, she would have got good exam results, but I just don't see how that is going to happen anymore, how can it?  Almost a year out of school now and I can't see her ever being strong enough to go back full time.  It feels like a life of opportunity just wasted.  I should be doing something to change this.

I watched Emily cut up a carrot for the guinea pigs earlier and I found myself checking that she had put the sharp knife in the sink and not taken it to her room.  I see something in her eyes and I don't like it.

To compensate I'm eating chocolate instead of real food, washed down with a little brandy.  I'm calling the brandy medicinal as I'm pretty sure there is a cold fighting to get out.

In between all this, messages come from my husband.  He hates being away from home and is desperate for news of the kids and the cats.  I tell him everything is fine, he'll only worry otherwise and there is nothing he can do.

It feels like there is nothing I can do either.