It's turning into a very long week and it's only Tuesday. My husband set off in the early hours of Monday morning ,through the snow, to get a train to London. He's there all week on a training course. To begin with I was quite looking forward to having a few nights to myself and not have anyone snoring next to me in bed. The reality has been much less rosy.
Yesterday, due to the weather, I ended up working from home, school was shut and so was Emily's unit. We managed, I did a reasonable amount of work considering, not enough to fulfil my deadlines but then what's new?
During the evening, I could hear Emily pulling down the loft ladder. A short time later she came into the living room with a baby doll in her arms. She talked to it, cuddled it and, to be honest, I was a little taken aback. More recently Emily has been desperate to turn her bedroom into a teenage pad dolls were, at her request, put into the loft some time ago. Now there are baby dolls in a large wooden cot.
Emily clung to me saying that she wanted the doll to be real, she wanted to be a Mum so that she had someone to love and take care of. I could understand that in some way. I tried not to make anything out of it.
This evening she has told me that she worries that the doll is no longer alive. When I talked to her about this, she accepts that the doll is just that, a doll and has never been alive. Then she tells me that 'they' are taking the doll away from her, and making it into something bad. She can not explain to me who they are.
I've suggested that she is perhaps anxious about her next school visit tomorrow. I'm beginning to worry again that she won't get through the hour. It's like she regressing. I am really starting to panic that she's never going to get an education. Just thinking that brings tears to my eyes. This isn't fair, she's so clever, she would have got good exam results, but I just don't see how that is going to happen anymore, how can it? Almost a year out of school now and I can't see her ever being strong enough to go back full time. It feels like a life of opportunity just wasted. I should be doing something to change this.
I watched Emily cut up a carrot for the guinea pigs earlier and I found myself checking that she had put the sharp knife in the sink and not taken it to her room. I see something in her eyes and I don't like it.
To compensate I'm eating chocolate instead of real food, washed down with a little brandy. I'm calling the brandy medicinal as I'm pretty sure there is a cold fighting to get out.
In between all this, messages come from my husband. He hates being away from home and is desperate for news of the kids and the cats. I tell him everything is fine, he'll only worry otherwise and there is nothing he can do.
It feels like there is nothing I can do either.
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.