It seems an age since I last wrote. You may think that my lack of blogging is down to life being on the up. It isn't. I have been despondent really, I am fighting my way through every day. I have little strength left. Emily has done so well, she is now attending mainstream school 3 mornings per week. This is a huge acheivement and I am very proud of her.
Despite these acheivements there are always set backs and my inner demons gnaw at me. Sometimes the responsibility of going to work, running a home and being mum to 2 teenagers is more than I can bear. There is no downtime, no off switch, no time off. The kids seem to need me constantly and there is always a part of me that dreads this. I do not have a magic wand, I can not fix the world around them.
I did at least speak to Emily's father. I actually told him things face to face. I had to, I needed him to take some responsibility and I also needed to stop hiding and stop resenting. There is enough poison in my head without him in there too.
He does at least help with the midday school runs when I'm at work. We will always be poles apart and our roles very different but at least we can be civil again.
Very often I wonder if I would still be here if I had never had children. They are the only reason I am still dragging myself through this pitiful excuse for a life. I feel like I should be punished for wanting to give my life away when there are those out there who are ill and are fighting tooth and nail to hold on to their last breath. Those who have gone through terrible situations and hardship. I have faced none of that, pathetic really.
But for now what else can I do? Life goes on and so must I.
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 14. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.