About Me

Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

What if she's right?

It's been a long day.  I've been trying to work from home in between running the kids around.  At lunch time I collected Emily from the unit.  We came home so she could get into her uniform, there were shakes and tears before we left for school for her one hour lesson. 

Once there, waiting for Mel,  Emily said she felt calmer. We were soon joined by a member of staff and it wasn't long before Mel got to us.  They quickly walked off to the lesson and I followed the teacher to her office.

I borrowed a desk and accepted a cup of coffee.  I took out my husbands net book and tried to do a bit of work.  I really needed to make up my hours, but to be honest my concentration was off.  As I sat and tried to work, my stomach churned.  If she couldn't manage this hour where would that leave us?

An hour later, back at reception I noticed I was wringing my hands, desperate for the two girls to reappear.
Emily looked calm, she even spoke to the teacher and made eye contact with her.  That doesn't always happen.

I was relieved as we chatted later, she'd managed, but it could have been better.  The class were revising for an exam Emily can no longer take, so the teacher had given her a book to read.  It was good that there was no pressure for her to produce work, but there was also nothing to distract  her either.

I e-mailed the school this evening and asked if, next week, Emily could be given something like a worksheet to concentrate on.

This evening I sat, at the dining room table, trying to catch up my work. I wasn't aware Emily was no longer in the living room.  As soon as I realised I went to her bedroom, she seemed to be ok, but in reality she wasn't.  I was about to step back out of the door when she lifted up her arms to signify the need for a hug.  As soon as I embraced her I felt her body shake and the sobbing began.

It was a while before I was able to get her calm enough to talk.  She's not cried like this for a while and to be honest, it scared the hell out of me.  I can't go back to this.

Emily talked about the person inside her, the person who wants her to be mean to people, to break things, to be someone she isn't.  I tried to explain that we are all a mixture of emotions and can be compelled at times to do things out of character, but she looked unconvinced.

I started to hear familiar phrases, "I can't do it" and "I don't want to do it any more"  We are walking such a fine line, she needs to get back to school and build up her attendance, but to push too much too early could set her back months.  She's also terribly behind on work. But, and I said this to her, there are no expectations on her other than attending one lesson per week.

Eventually, she seemed to calm, although the tears occasionally reappeared. Two hours later I felt I could let her get ready for bed, but a part of me remains uneasy.  What if she's right?  What if she can't do it, what will be left?


2 comments:

  1. It was a big day for her and you, the stresses had to come out at some point, self doubt is not unusual. Hopefully she is able to look back on the positive parts of the day this morning.

    It's a terrible strain for you, but you are amazing (((hugs))) just wish it was a real hug I could give you.

    xxx

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