It's almost 4am. Once again, despite the exhaustion clawing at me, sleep will not come.
I am in a travel lodge in York, my husband is beside me
and my son is almost close enough to touch. Both sleep soundly. Emily
is not here, she is at home with my mum.
We should, as a family, have been spending this week at the seaside. But
that was another planned holiday which fell by the wayside, like all
our other plans this year. The sadness in the eyes of my son was too
much to bear. I didn't want him to resent Emily and I also thought he
deserved some form of holiday, however brief. And so here we are, 2
nights in a travel lodge.
We've packed in as much as we can, our main
focus has been my son. He has chosen our activities and we've done our
best to have fun. He's enjoying himself, but he misses Emily and feels
guilty that she is not here. As a distraction we've bought cuddly toys and have been taking photo's of them in various locations. It's given us something else to focus on.
I've tried to make it better by
acknowledging that all our tickets last for a year. I am determined we
will come and use them again and next time Emily will be with us. I told
her this in our phone call tonight. She cried down the phone.
her last day at the unit this week. Although she gets upset at having
to go still, she feels safe and supported there. Now she faces a day
with just Nannan, until we get home in the early evening. I felt guilty
even thinking about doing this trip, like I'm abandoning her again, but
I can't forget there is a little boy who needs his mum too. Am I
My husband has been fantastic, when he made a vow last week
to be a father to my children, he meant it. I can see my son's love for
him growing each day. Emily already loves him, but my son has taken
longer. This trip has been an important 'rite of passage' for my husband
and son. But Emily has never been far from our thoughts.
I wonder now,
how long did the candle we lit in the minster burn for her?
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.