Light a candle

It's almost 4am. Once again, despite the exhaustion clawing at me, sleep will not come.

I am in a travel lodge in York, my husband is beside me and my son is almost close enough to touch. Both sleep soundly. Emily is not here, she is at home with my mum.

We should, as a family, have been spending this week at the seaside. But that was another planned holiday which fell by the wayside, like all our other plans this year.  The sadness in the eyes of my son was too much to bear. I didn't want him to resent Emily and I also thought he deserved some form of holiday, however brief. And so here we are, 2 nights in a travel lodge.

We've packed in as much as we can, our main focus has been my son. He has chosen our activities and we've done our best to have fun. He's enjoying himself, but he misses Emily and feels guilty that she is not here.  As a distraction we've bought cuddly toys and have been taking photo's of them in various locations. It's given us something else to focus on.

I've tried to make it better by acknowledging that all our tickets last for a year. I am determined we will come and use them again and next time Emily will be with us. I told her this in our phone call tonight. She cried down the phone.

Today was her last day at the unit this week. Although she gets upset at having to go still, she feels safe and supported there. Now she faces a day with just Nannan, until we get home in the early evening.  I felt guilty even thinking about doing this trip, like I'm abandoning her again, but I can't forget there is a little boy who needs his mum too.  Am I wrong?

My husband has been fantastic, when he made a vow last week to be a father to my children, he meant it. I can see my son's love for him growing each day. Emily already loves him, but my son has taken longer. This trip has been an important 'rite of passage' for my husband and son. But Emily has never been far from our thoughts.

I wonder now, how long did the candle we lit in the minster burn for her?