Today I am drowning. With the Wedding and a couple of nights away, I've realised I've missed several days of my anti depressant medication. Boy can I tell. I feel sick with worry, I want to hide away and I want to sob in a corner.
But hiding isn't an option and sobbing must be done away from Emily. I need to dust myself down, pick up the pieces and get on with it.
This week my 13 year old daughter was prescribed Prozac. I can't describe the feeling that washed over me when I saw the label. I knew medication was coming, but to see Prozac written on the bottle was something else. They are starting her on a small dose of liquid medicine. This allows them to check for any adverse reactions prior to giving her a full dose. I know she needs help and I'm not against medication (I will be medicated for life, if I remember to take it) but there is a great sadness in me. Sad that it has had to come to this.
It will be a number of weeks before we will be able to tell the effectiveness of the medication. I hope it doesn't change Emily. I want her to get better, but I still want her to be Emily, if that makes sense?
Her body is covered in little cuts and scratches. Since I removed all razors she tries to use kitchen knives or scissors to mark herself. Favourite places are her hips, tops of her thighs, ankles and sometimes her arms.
My Mum stayed at my house with the children for the 2 nights I honeymooned. She thought it would be better for Emily to be at home. She spent the days at the 'Unit' which helped to give Mum a break. Outside 'unit' times I was in constant contact with Emily via instant messenger on our phones.
My Husbands relatives came from Europe to celebrate our Wedding. Some had to go home after the weekend, but his Sister and her family stayed for a week in Derbyshire. We had arranged to go and see them yesterday. They have two boys of a similar age to my children.
They were not surprised when we arrived at their holiday park without Emily. She couldn't do it, poor Mum had to change her plans so that we could still have our planned day. We are very lucky that my Mum is so kind. She understands that my Husband rarely gets to see his family and had no hesitation in helping us to have the day with them and my son.
Later we all drove back to our house so that they could see Emily before leaving England. I'd warned them about the state of our house, but I'm sure they thought I was exaggerating.
I was terribly ashamed when they walked in. My house is just so untidy. Lots of things around that never seem to find a home. Made worse by piles of things on the floor that came back from the Wedding reception and other piles of things that were used to make things for the Wedding reception. Add to that unfinished DIY projects everywhere and I felt a total failure.
I told my husband later that I was lazy and I know this is true. With the Wedding preparation and supporting Emily, housework has just not got done. I made so many things myself for the Wedding that everything else got left.
So I feel I am drowning in self pity and drowning in mess and housework and it makes me feel pathetic. Once I finish this post, I'm going to get a black bin bag and get started. Oh and I'm going to take my medication.
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.