About Me

Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Damned if I do, damned if I don't

The small bottle of cheap brandy I bought stands half empty.  I haven't managed a night without some form of drink for weeks now.  It started gradually.  We had so many alcoholic gifts for our wedding, we slipped into a routine of drinking some in the evenings while we were on holiday from work.  Whilst my husband can take it or leave it, I fear I can not.  We share a bottle of wine, but the spirits are there for when I drink alone.

Emily is now up to full strength in her medication.  I hope and pray it is only a matter of a few weeks now, until we start to see some improvement. 

Today while I was at work, the father of my children came to see them.  It is Emily's Birthday tomorrow (or today, looking at the time) He has just returned from yet another childless holiday.  By the time I got home from work, he had left.  Unfortunately, he had also left a lasting impression on the children.  Emily had shown him the marks on her arms, in an attempt to make him understand the dark place she was in.  I'm told he just shrugged his shoulders and said nothing.  He never asks her how she is, he never asks me how she is.

He thinks this is my fault, that I have made her like this.  When I first tried to tell him that his daughter was self harming, he joked that she was taking after me.  What a jolly joke!  For the record I have never cut myself.  Apparently a suicide attempt is the same thing according to him, and yes at 17 I did give that one a go.  He makes no attempt to support Emily or me.  My son, 12, idolised his father, but he too is starting to see the lack of interest.  It hurts him to see that there seems to be no concern or compassion for his sister and a waining interest in him.

Emily said this evening, through her tears, "I've got enough in my head, I don't need him on top"  My son said "I'm just going to his house on Saturday to get my toys before he throws any more away"  He too, was crying.

It's ok for him, it is us who are left to pick up the pieces.  It is us who are trying to get Emily and my son through this terrible time and this incredibly tiring and long journey.  It is us, me and a man who has willingly and selflessly accepted these children as his own, who will see this through to the end.  We, with support from my elderly parents, will come out of the other side with these kids.

Do I sound bitter?  Well that would be because I am.  I am sick of trying to smooth over the cracks their father leaves behind.  I want to get him in a room and give it to him straight.  I want to stop being the mature adult who rises above all the frustrations and ignores his selfish behaviour.  But to ignore it means it will never change, and whilst I can try and ignore it, the children can not.  He is, and always will be, their father.  What am I supposed to do?  I will always be damned if I do, damned if I don't.


  1. Another heart wrenching post. You are in a difficult position and I understand it to a point as my parents were divorced. The children seem to be discovering for themselves that his behaviour is unacceptable and while that must break your heart it is important that they do see that on their own rather than because you have told them, if that makes sense. You can be a bigger person but I realise that is unimportant in the wider picture of Emily's health. I'm sure you do just want to swing for him. I'm glad you have support in other places though.

    Please look after yourself. I'm sure you know the drinking isn't good for you and won't help but I won't judge you for doing it. You are under a terrible amount of pressure. Have YOU got an outlet other than this blog? Is there anyone (medically I mean) YOU can turn to?

    Will continue to pray for you all xxxxxxxxxx

    1. Thank you Lauren. I've made sure that my medication review this month is with a lady doctor I've been able to talk to in the past. I'm hoping I'll be able to at least be able to let them know how this is affecting me.

      Thank you as always for your kind thoughts and support

  2. How frustrating for you with the ex, the kids are making their own opinions of him which is the best way for them.

    I know times are so hard at the moment but drinking really isn't the answer. It's not for me to get on your case about it. BUT alcohol is a very slippery slope and makes things so much worse!

    I lost everything due to alcohol and as a recovering alcoholic that is the only thing I am ready to put intothe public arena.

    You have am amazing husband and family, yes it has its problems but you should concentrate on them. Karma will deal with your ex with no imput from yourself, he is the one missing out, a fact he will come to realise when they are grown up and want nothing to do with him.

    (((hugs))) to you and yours, thinking and praying for you all xxxx

    1. You are right, I do need to get my drinking under control and I do have a stong support network around me. I'm so sorry to hear about your own battle.

      Thank you for your support xxx

  3. I don't know if you've come across them but http://selfharm.co.uk are amazing. I struggled with it for most of my life, and I know how hard it is for those people that support you through it.
    But it does get better, and as long as you are there for Emily and try to understand her illness and believe her and support she will make it through. It really sucks that hew father can't do likewise.
    Self-harm is so often about fighting to survive, to the outside world it seems like you have given up, but it's not that. It's trying to make the pain manageable, it's trying to feel something.
    Anywho I'll shush now. Just know that your role as her mother is one that you are doing well, you are showing her love and support, you are there when she cries and you aren't pretending everything is ok.
    You are allowed to ask for help too.
    Praying for your family.

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. It is a comfort to hear from others who understand and can offer encouragement. I will certainly have a look at the website.
      I appreciate your prayers and hope that you are well yourself at the moment. xx

  4. I have a friend who has 2 children to a man that has little interest in them. When they first split up he fought for custody - so he would get the child support money - but after a few weeks they were once again living with their mother. That was 10 years ago. Now they are teenagers and realise that their Dad isn't worthy of that name. This breaks their Mum's heart almost as much as the day he won custody and took them away from her. She got through the custody stuff because she knew that her children would always know that SHE loved them. She can no longer convince them that their Dad loves them.

    Keep doing what you're doing, loving your children, providing them with a place of refuge, listening to them and helping where you can. It's amazing how when it feels like we can't go on, like there is nothing left, we find more strength from somewhere. That's the beauty of being a Mum - there is always a tiny bit more when it comes to our children.

    1. Thank you for commenting and your support. I think what upsets me the most is, at the end of the day, it's always the children who are really losing out.