The small bottle of cheap brandy I bought stands half empty. I haven't managed a night without some form of drink for weeks now. It started gradually. We had so many alcoholic gifts for our wedding, we slipped into a routine of drinking some in the evenings while we were on holiday from work. Whilst my husband can take it or leave it, I fear I can not. We share a bottle of wine, but the spirits are there for when I drink alone.
Emily is now up to full strength in her medication. I hope and pray it is only a matter of a few weeks now, until we start to see some improvement.
Today while I was at work, the father of my children came to see them. It is Emily's Birthday tomorrow (or today, looking at the time) He has just returned from yet another childless holiday. By the time I got home from work, he had left. Unfortunately, he had also left a lasting impression on the children. Emily had shown him the marks on her arms, in an attempt to make him understand the dark place she was in. I'm told he just shrugged his shoulders and said nothing. He never asks her how she is, he never asks me how she is.
He thinks this is my fault, that I have made her like this. When I first tried to tell him that his daughter was self harming, he joked that she was taking after me. What a jolly joke! For the record I have never cut myself. Apparently a suicide attempt is the same thing according to him, and yes at 17 I did give that one a go. He makes no attempt to support Emily or me. My son, 12, idolised his father, but he too is starting to see the lack of interest. It hurts him to see that there seems to be no concern or compassion for his sister and a waining interest in him.
Emily said this evening, through her tears, "I've got enough in my head, I don't need him on top" My son said "I'm just going to his house on Saturday to get my toys before he throws any more away" He too, was crying.
It's ok for him, it is us who are left to pick up the pieces. It is us who are trying to get Emily and my son through this terrible time and this incredibly tiring and long journey. It is us, me and a man who has willingly and selflessly accepted these children as his own, who will see this through to the end. We, with support from my elderly parents, will come out of the other side with these kids.
Do I sound bitter? Well that would be because I am. I am sick of trying to smooth over the cracks their father leaves behind. I want to get him in a room and give it to him straight. I want to stop being the mature adult who rises above all the frustrations and ignores his selfish behaviour. But to ignore it means it will never change, and whilst I can try and ignore it, the children can not. He is, and always will be, their father. What am I supposed to do? I will always be damned if I do, damned if I don't.
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.