Torn in two

At times I have to remind myself that I'm actually a Mum to 2 children, not just one.  I try hard to make sure my son doesn't feel neglected, but as Emily consumes more and more of me, its getting increasingly difficult.  I try to talk to him, I tell him that I'm proud of him and that I love him, but I fear it isn't enough. 

It was his 12th Birthday this week and I found myself running around before and after work, to pick up extra little gifts for him.  I guess I fell into the trap of trying to show my love by spending money.  But so many things have been cancelled recently, our holiday for one, that I so needed to see him happy on his Birthday.

Its clear that Emily's illness is still progressing.  She still feels 'they' are after her.  She still hears them talking to her and laughing at her.  She still sees them in the house and her room.  Now she sees them writing taunts on the walls and they trip her up. 

I should have been at work on Tuesday, but Emily had an anxiety attack in the morning at the thought of having to go out with Nananan (she had some appointments). In the end I arranged to work from home and stayed with her.  I managed 2 hours work during the day and made my hours up at night.

I made it to work on Wednesday and Thursday, but I felt exhausted, like I was underperforming, not pulling my weight.  I'm fortunate, my team are great and supportive, but I still feel bad.

Today was the day of my Son's bowling party. Emily started to get anxious and by midday she was asking me if people would put something in her food at the party.  This type of comment is becoming more common.  Whilst the 'grounding' techniques do work sometimes, they don't help with everything.  More and more she says the same thing over and over again.  "I don't like it Mummy, make it stop. They're hurting me Mummy, they're in my head".  I'm so frustrated because I can do nothing, nothing to make it stop. 

So neither of us went to the party and a sad little boy went off with his Dad, my partner and Nannan.  He wanted me there and I let him down.

As each day passes and Emily leans on me more and more, the less I become a person.  Does that make sense?  I am retreating, needing to preserve what little of me remains until help arrives.  But each day it gets harder, I am never alone, I am never free.  I can not heal myself.  I need to support Emily, I need to be a Mum to my little boy, I need to be a partner and I need to go to work and actually do work.


So am I torn in two?  Or am I torn in three or four??