A safe loving home

I have a confession to make.  Its not just food and alcohol I have an addiction to.

I am also terribly addicted to cats.  I started off with one, a black tom.  He, like all my cats, came from a rescue centre.  The first thing I noticed about him was a pair of wide yellow eyes staring out in fear in one of the pens.  I remember saying they were like Owl eyes, I knew I wanted him straight away.  I was told he wouldn't let anyone near him, but that didn't put me off.  Once in his enclosure I talked softly to him while he hissed at me.  This didn't put me off either, he was just a very frightened cat.  I adopted him 6 years ago and it wasn't until I let him out of the carrier on that first day that I noticed his poor feet.  Deformed, badly. In some way that made him more special, after all, none of us are perfect are we?

Since then a number of cats have joined my family.  An unwanted kitten, Two abandoned sisters, an old chap of 11 who's mum had to go into a home.  A 5 year old tabby who had been left in a box with her kittens.


It seems I'm always drawn to the 'under cat'.  I could have brought home dozens of cute fluffy cats and kittens, but then I see black, black and white or older ones and I'm told how long they have been there.

I do wonder if the need to rescue a cat comes from my own wish to be rescued too.  What I do know is that there is nothing nicer than a loving cat cuddle. If you've been keeping count you will be up to 7 as they are all still with us :)  I love seeing all their little faces around my home.  All little personalities who can be quite entertaining at times.

It was when I went to adopt my latest young man, I heard the centre were short on volunteers.  Emily and I jumped at the chance.

My new boy :)

We've just done our second Sunday morning.  It's a bit smelly at times, washing litter trays and cleaning out rooms and you certainly get a sweat on, but it doesn't matter.  As soon as we've finished our work we can go around and spend time with the cats and kittens. The youngsters are as you can imagine, adorable.  But we also make time to encourage the shy ones and to fuss the older ones too.

Cute kitten waiting for a home

I do want to bring them all home of course!  But I know the kittens will get homes quickly and even after a couple of weeks I can see one or two of the older cats getting adopted.

It gives me such a good feeling inside, although its such a small thing. When I think about days when I just want to hide in my bed, I know I wouldn't want to let the Cat centre down.  It's a good incentive, at least if we do nothing else at the weekend, we will have both been out.  I'd recommend volunteering to anyone, it doesn't have to be animals, just something you're interested in.  Help yourself by helping someone else.

Some of the cats are frightened, some naughty and some are fuss pots, but at the end of the day they all just want a safe loving home.  Sound familiar?

Twitter, tweets and twits?

A few days ago I checked out Twitter in a personal capacity.  I love facebook, but I never really got Twitter.  Then, when the snow started to hit Yorkshire, it seemed like another way of keeping up with local information.  Once I'd set out on this little journey, I realised it was possible to have an account purely to go with this blog.  Suddenly I had the freedom to go out and see what else and who else was out there, whilst being safely hidden behind my anonymous exterior..

I was amazed how many Anti Bullying tweeters there are, some higher profile than others. Add to that the huge number of people twittering about Mental Health and, well lets just say, are my eyes well and truly open.  There are things happening, in research and law for example, that I had no idea about.

Some opinions on teenage depression have left me reeling, "blame the shit parents" opinions don't go down well with me.  I have made mistakes yes, but still...everyone is different.

Then there are others out there that are doing incredible things, this post on Netmums, What to do if your child is being bullied really caught my eye.  I'm following the author on Twitter, Alex Holmes.  His post is refreshing, written by someone who really knows the score and understands the realistic options open to parents.  How I wish I had seen this a few years ago, I wonder if things would be different?  He is making a real difference running the Anti-Bullying Ambassador Programme  which is being taken out to schools.  Find out more by visiting The Diana Award website.  I urge you, if you are reading this because your child is being bullied, go to these pages.

Another post I came across was this, Teenage Angst: A Rebuttal.  Reading this made me think about things from my daughters point of view, which is no bad thing, a reality check perhaps.

Tonight Emily has been seeing things again.  As I sat and listened to her talk I could feel part of me thinking "here we go again".  I did not show this.  I talked things through with her.  It's quite likely that the return to school is bringing anxiety to the surface once more.  Oh how I wish I had a magic wand.

So Twitter, tweets and some twits but all in all some great info and organisations.

What if she's right?

It's been a long day.  I've been trying to work from home in between running the kids around.  At lunch time I collected Emily from the unit.  We came home so she could get into her uniform, there were shakes and tears before we left for school for her one hour lesson. 

Once there, waiting for Mel,  Emily said she felt calmer. We were soon joined by a member of staff and it wasn't long before Mel got to us.  They quickly walked off to the lesson and I followed the teacher to her office.

I borrowed a desk and accepted a cup of coffee.  I took out my husbands net book and tried to do a bit of work.  I really needed to make up my hours, but to be honest my concentration was off.  As I sat and tried to work, my stomach churned.  If she couldn't manage this hour where would that leave us?

An hour later, back at reception I noticed I was wringing my hands, desperate for the two girls to reappear.
Emily looked calm, she even spoke to the teacher and made eye contact with her.  That doesn't always happen.

I was relieved as we chatted later, she'd managed, but it could have been better.  The class were revising for an exam Emily can no longer take, so the teacher had given her a book to read.  It was good that there was no pressure for her to produce work, but there was also nothing to distract  her either.

I e-mailed the school this evening and asked if, next week, Emily could be given something like a worksheet to concentrate on.

This evening I sat, at the dining room table, trying to catch up my work. I wasn't aware Emily was no longer in the living room.  As soon as I realised I went to her bedroom, she seemed to be ok, but in reality she wasn't.  I was about to step back out of the door when she lifted up her arms to signify the need for a hug.  As soon as I embraced her I felt her body shake and the sobbing began.

It was a while before I was able to get her calm enough to talk.  She's not cried like this for a while and to be honest, it scared the hell out of me.  I can't go back to this.

Emily talked about the person inside her, the person who wants her to be mean to people, to break things, to be someone she isn't.  I tried to explain that we are all a mixture of emotions and can be compelled at times to do things out of character, but she looked unconvinced.

I started to hear familiar phrases, "I can't do it" and "I don't want to do it any more"  We are walking such a fine line, she needs to get back to school and build up her attendance, but to push too much too early could set her back months.  She's also terribly behind on work. But, and I said this to her, there are no expectations on her other than attending one lesson per week.

Eventually, she seemed to calm, although the tears occasionally reappeared. Two hours later I felt I could let her get ready for bed, but a part of me remains uneasy.  What if she's right?  What if she can't do it, what will be left?

Facebook's not all bad..

There have been times, since the New Year, that I have seen a new confident Emily.  There have unfortunately, been a few times when I have seen an over confident Emily.  This over confident version is rude, selfish and gives no thought to the feelings of others, her comments can be hurtful and unexpected.  I guess this version is a standard teenager. 

On one such occasion, when she had ridiculed me in front of my wider family, I asked her not to speak to me like that, she shrugged it off with a bit of a grin.  Once at home I had to distance myself from her.  The way she'd spoken to me, hurt more than I can say.  Maybe my own dark thoughts were pushing through, but I went to my bedroom and I cried.  I couldn't understand how a girl I had been through thick and thin with could talk to me like I was something stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

A positive to come out of the confidence is a new friend, or at least a renewal of an old friend.  Mel and Emily were best friends in the early years of junior school. When the time came for Comprehensives, they went their separate ways.  Emily to the local school full of bully's and no discipline, (obviously I didn't know this at the time) and Mel to the fantastic school my kids have now been transferred to.

It started with a Christmas card being sent via Emily's brother.  Emily was surprised as she assumes no one really wants to be her friend, they must just pity her or being doing it for 'a laugh'.

I jumped on the opening and suggested she track Mel down on Facebook so that she could send a message to say thanks for the card.  Reluctantly, Emily agreed.  The friendship request was accepted and the message was, after more coaxing, finally sent.

A few more messages were exchanged, about presents received, and then Emily was reluctant to 'push it' any further.  I suggested inviting Mel to our house, Emily said no, Mel already had friends.

A couple of days later I was considering trying to get in touch with Mel's mum.  We'd also been friends during the junior school years and it was only when the kids no longer needed meeting at the school gate, that we fell out of touch.

Funny when you're thinking about someone and they actually contact you instead.  I got a text from Mel's mum asking for Emily's mobile number.  In the end us two Mums worked out a meet up, with the girls involved too.  With Emily's permission I explained her illness and how it affected her, Mel and her Mum were shocked and very supportive.  Emily was very anxious about starting up a friendship, which was why we'd arranged an activity, she worried she wouldn't know what to talk about.

The next day I took my kids and Mel out for a few hours and they seemed to have fun.  Back at our house they danced on the Wii and watched a bit of TV together.  Later Emily said it had been ok, it had been easier than she'd thought.

Last week saw a meeting with one of the Mental Health Workers and a number of people from school.  We went through all the worries Emily has and what might help in particular situations.  They had no problem with anything at all.  They have been so accommodating.  I thought when Emily asked to just do one lesson in the first week, that they would think it ridiculous.  Far from it, it didn't matter, whatever it takes to get her back in school with as little anxiety as possible.  I was amazed and immensely grateful.  They also agreed to move Emily to the opposite side of the school year so that she can attend some lessons with Mel.  Again, I thought it a long shot, but they agreed it was a good idea, it will give her a new chance at friendships away from the failed attempts last spring.

Emily has worked hard to get to where she is, and she will need to continue, but I have a much lighter heart knowing she will have a friend by her side.  So it turns out, Facebook's not all bad.

Something verging on normal

My workload did not diminish in the run up to Christmas, but Emily's symptoms did, or certainly appeared to.  She continued to be excited about the surprises in store for her and her mood seemed, on the whole, good.  My Mother and I attended the school fair arranged by the unit. I shopped for last minute presents and food.  It was a reasonably normal but hectic time.

In addition to the bought presents I had decided to make something for both of my children.  Normally at this time of year I would have been busy making arty items for sale at Christmas events.  Sadly, or maybe not so sadly, these are now a thing of the past.  My crafty side was still looking for an outlet and making something for a specific person is much nicer. For Emily, I wanted to use her love of words to create something meaningful, uplifting and 'teenagery'.

This is what I came up with. the size is A3.  In the centre I have drawn and coloured a heart in pastels.  Her name goes across the middle (sadly omitted for the blog).  Along one side of the heart is "Sign your name across our hearts"  and all around the edge are references to the roles she plays and the names she is known by; Daughter, friend, cousin etc.

On Christmas morning I gave it to her last.  She told me receiving this and some chocolate would have been all she needed for Christmas, she loved it so much.

For my son, even though he is 12, loves teddies and cuddly things to take to bed.  Due to illness in the week before Christmas, I didn't have as much time as I would have liked.  So this little guy (excuse the bad photo, my son took it on his phone!) was a bit of a rush job without the time for a pattern!

I called him Mr Wonky and my son loves him.

There have been times over the festive period when things have not gone to plan, we have fallen out, the kids have been yelling at each other, or we have actually been bored.  There have also been times when my own depression has surfaced to such an extent I didn't know if I could keep going.

Despite this, after cooking a Christmas Day meal, sitting down with my husband, children and parents I was so very thankful.  Thankful that we were all together, that for the moment both my kids were behaving as, well, kids.  Grumpy and stroppy at times, but normal, something which has been lacking for some time.

I have no doubt as the school visits start to loom again we will see a return of some of the symptoms and worries.  I can see it creeping in now, but I will be forever grateful that the festive period was full of love and something verging on normal.

One more thing overcome

Family therapy this week was once again useful.  We started without Emily and in addition to the therapist had her main nurse, Tia in the room with us.  Tia is the one person who seems to hold the mini team together.  The problems we have experienced are in part due to her recent leave and extended period of sickness.  Tia knew what I'd said at the review and she was so apologetic that the original plan had not been followed.  I told her that it wasn't her fault, it wasn't her sole responsibility.  I have nothing bad to say about her.  She is the only one who calls me with updates and suggestions. Unfortunately, when she is not there, no one else picks up what she does for us.

I went over a few of my observations about Emily's behaviour at home.  There are times, I feel, that she is trying to get my attention.  One of my pet hates is the leg shaking.  We are all in agreement that this is not an involuntary reaction to stress.  To be honest it drives me to distraction.  I have now taken to leaving the room. To stay would make the chances of me saying something unkind highly probable.  Interesting, when I've done this, the behaviour has stopped.

I'd also noticed an increase in nightly toilet trips.  Emily insists she can't help it, she needs to keep going.  We'd tried to talk about it, she fears she may wet the bed.  I told her that she hasn't wet the bed since she was a small child and even if she did have an accident, no one would be cross.

When Emily finally joined our session the therapist started to explore some of the observed behaviour.  Whilst it may be upsetting for her it is important that it is confronted.  To ignore it is not helpful.  By talking about it, the staff were able to suggest that Emily has some CBT sessions focussed around some of her thought processes.

On Friday morning I took Emily to her mainstream school, we met an outreach worker, a school house manager and two students.  It was difficult and strained.  We had a walk around as if Emily was completely new.  The two girls chosen to meet her seemed nice.  The trouble was that Emily was looking at her feet, she hardly spoke and her eye contact was non existent.  The outreach worker and I chatted to the girls, what were their favourite lessons, how close to school did they live?  We worked quite well together, keeping it light and trying to include Emily and encourage her to speak.  We didn't really succeed.

On the face of it, you could be forgiven for thinking the visit was a waste and didn't go that well.  But, when I consider her reaction to the last visit, this can only be seen as a success, well at least an improvement.  She didn't get upset and angry, she didn't 'freak out'.  I told her she should be proud.  She'd gone in, stayed calm and made it through.

The outreach worker will be calling me next week for the next visit.  We are both thinking that an actual lesson may benefit, Emily would have something to focus on and she wouldn't need to make small talk.

I asked Emily if she'd like to come into the city centre at the weekend to pick up some panto tickets I'd reserved.  She shook her head, no way.  No way was she going to a busy town or going on a bus.

This morning  I took her up to the local shops for her hairdressers appointment.  We'd talked over options and she decided to go from mid length layers to a blunt bob.  The way I see it, if you have a nice haircut, clothes you feel comfortable in and your spots covered up, you can conquer anything.  I hoped I was right as I watched as the lengths of hair fall to the salon floor.

As we walked home, she swished her locks and kept touching them, laughing at how much shorter it was.  Now I turned my attention to her face.  She is such a pretty girl, but has terrible spots.  I think that's one of the reasons her head always points to the floor.  I talked to her about confidence.  I do worry that the kids at school will see the spots and it will be another barrier for her to overcome.  So I asked her to bring me the contents of her make up bag.  They were pitiful.

I took a chance and offered her a deal.  If you come to town on the bus, I'll get you a few bits of new make up.  I could see the fight she was having with herself, fear of the bus, of the busy town centre, versus NEW MAKE UP bought with someone else's money. 

A few hours later we sat at the front of the bus on the top deck.  We laughed at what we could see from our vantage point.  She was calm all the way, her leg didn't shake once.  Though town was a little busy, she managed, we picked make up, got the panto tickets and came home.  Emily said she couldn't believe she'd done it.  Such an everyday task to so many of us, had been a huge hurdle to her.  One more thing overcome.

Keep talking

By the weekend things had improved.  The real story was that when Emily went to visit mainstream school, they were unprepared.  They asked her questions, understandably.  When was she coming back?  Was she coming back next week?? Half days, full days?? Emily felt under terrible pressure.  The Unit had, unfortunately, not really had a conversation with school and as a result, the visit went badly.

We talked things over while we sat and wrapped Christmas presents.  Emily has no real 'wants' this year.  In a way that's been nice.  I've gone out and been able to look for things that she might like.  As a result she is actually looking forward to Christmas, lunch at home with her family and surprises under the tree.  This is an achievement in itself.  Emily looking forward to anything.  We are not a religious family, but for us Christmas is a time when the family comes together and, amongst other things, share thoughtful gifts, gifts that show how much we care.

Last week we had another review meeting.  Very few people attended this time.  I made no attempt to hide my feelings.  It was me who had instigated reduced residential attendance to aid Emily's transition to day attender, the unit had not.  Not only this, but the school visits during the last six weeks had been a total of one, when there should have been several.  I expressed my 'disappointment', which was met with embarrassment.  There are so many good staff in this place, but co-ordination and communication continue to let us down.

I am hoping we are now back on track and things will happen.  Emily continues to have ups and downs.  Ups show me the old Emily, downs show me a frightened child shaking with fear.

And me?  I have taken the step of weighing myself.  I have put 2 stone on in 4 months.  I am ashamed. Still, I am also determined to do something,  My low mood, and attempts to cope with Emily, have lead to alcohol and comfort food.  I can not hate myself for trying to find a way to cope, to feel just a small amount better.  No, in contrast, what I can do is say 'enough!'.  I no longer fit in any of my clothes, the time has come to take action.  Gone is the junk food, 'in' is the low fat, low carb eating regime. (I will not say diet)  Small positive changes can make a big impact.  I hope I can keep it up.

Tonight Emily asked to talk to me,  she was upset, worrying about school.  We talked for a while, thinking of real things we could do, strategies we could put in place.  Emily's concerns are around more school visits.  I told her that it was no use looking at the past, we can only affect the future. We need to look at her concerns and work out what solutions may be available to potential problems.

My life is so up and down and so is Emily's, but while ever we can keep talking we have a chance.